I remember vividly, God's introduction of surrender
in my life. I was walking down the hall, thinking about how exhausting striving and
failing had become. It was as if an audible voice from God asked me a terrible,
frightening question: "If I want keep you exactly the way you are right now, will you
let me?" It stopped me mid-stride. I couldn't believe He would ask me such a thing.
"NO!" was my emphatic reply. "You can't really mean that. I need to change
all these things about myself - for You of course." "Dianne," God said,
"I made you with all of those traits. Who are you to recreate what I have
created?" How could I make Him understand that He would be so much better off with
the new improved, revised edition of Dianne Smith. Again He asked me, "If I want to
keep you exactly the way your are right now, will you let me?" I knew I was beat.
Besides, I was so tired of striving to be someone I wasn't, giving up was starting to look
attractive. I very hesitantly answered, "All right God, you can keep me just the way
I am if you're sure that's what you really want." Then He told me that I had to
surrender Martha Jo. So I prayed a prayer of surrender and left Martha Jo at the foot of
the cross. For the first time in years I felt my burden lift. I could quit trying. I
admit, I did hope He would see the need to make changes in me. But I stuck to my end of
the bargain and, to the best of my ability, I quit trying. God didn’t leave me just
the way I was. But He did the shaping and changing instead of me. Ironically, God knew
that it was those very traits that would equip me to serve in a ministry He was planning.
A few years after this encounter, God opened our home and hearts to
unwed mothers and troubled teens. For six years these young women lived with us - often
three at a time. Since all of these young women came out of dysfunctional families and
some came from very bad circumstances, my strong personality and frankness were essential
in dealing with them!
My dislike for who I was and my striving for an alter ego identity
are not unusual. I have shared this message with many women through the years and when I
get to this part they get a funny look on their face. They are amazed that someone else
feels this way. Some can even name their alter ego. Over the years, as I have shared this
message with women I ask the question of them that God asked of me, "If God wants to
keep you just the way your are right now would you let him?" I have seen the this
question strike terror in their hearts! They, like me were carefully reconstructing their
personality for God. They didn't like who they were and didn't trust God to change them.
Some readers might be worried that through surrendering their heart,
they might lose their personality; they may become Christian doormats for others to wipe
their feet on. In fact, the opposite happens. When I surrendered Martha Jo and allowed God
to change my heart I, for the first time in my life, accepted myself (true self-esteem).
True, God did and continues to change me every day. But, the very things I once hated I
now accept as simply being part of me. I don't demand WHAT changes I want. I don't set
myself up for failure by trying to manipulate my personality into something it isn't. I
don't fear facing those things in me that I don't like. Surrender allows us to take honest
stock of our strengths and weaknesses and put them all in God's hands.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am not talking about changing
negative habits. I'm not suggesting that you can sit back and do nothing and wait for God
to change everything about you. Surrender does not negate self discipline or forming good
habits. These are different issues entirely. For instance, I am always running late. I
know it frustrates friends and family alike. I can't surrender my lateness and expect God
to keep me on schedule. I have to change this bad habit with a change in my actions. I
need to pay more attention to the clock and do some pre-planning. There is nothing wrong
with trying to overcome bad habits or socially unacceptable behavior. What I am talking
about refer to matters of the heart. Things that our heart dwells on. These are feelings
and emotions that are beyond our control.
