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The wife plays the most important role in the day-to-day interaction with the girl. Because of this, she will be the one to deal with most of the everyday problems. Many of these are small but annoying, such as dishes not being put in the proper place. Others can be serious, such as having the wife’s authority openly challenged.

When a girl comes into a family, the wife/mother may already represent something to the girl. If there was significant conflict between mother and daughter as the girl was growing up, she may transfer her negative feelings to the shepherding family mother. This was clearly demonstrated by one girl in particular. I usually have not had a problem establishing a good rapport with the girls. Cindy, however, was openly antagonistic towards me. Any overture on my part to get close to her was rejected. After a long talk with her about her past, I finally understood why she acted in this manner. As a child, her mother had been the authority figure in the family. She used that authority without justice or compassion. Cindy saw me in the same role and transferred her negative feelings to me. I never did get close to her. But in understanding the motivation for her action, I was able to deal with it accordingly.

There is not a particular personality type that is best suited for serving as a shepherding family wife. Some characteristics can be beneficial and some can be detrimental. A woman who is a perfectionist may find taking in a girl to be more difficult than her easy going counterpart. If a woman demands perfection of herself, she most likely will demand it of others. This puts an unfair burden on the girl. A woman who is flexible and readily accepts people as they are will have fewer disappointments and probably find the experience more gratifying. A woman who sees others realistically will have a much easier time coping. To idealize a girl is unfair. She will never be able to live up to the preconceived image. Learn to know her first and form your opinions slowly.

I find that the idea of the idealized pregnant girl is most prevalent in pro-life circles. She is seen as sweet and innocent, a victim of circumstances. This simply is not so. The majority of girls we deal with have problems. Many come from promiscuous backgrounds. Most come from broken homes and almost all of them have very low self-esteem. This is not to say that every girl will be difficult and disrupt the family. There are some who are delightful to have around and never cause problems. Most girls fall somewhere in between. In spite of their problems, most are more than willing to make an effort to fit in with the shepherding family.

Sometimes, success or failure depends on the shepherding family and the wife in particular. Like a child, the girl may "put the mother to the test" to see what boundaries she must respect. If the girl is confronted in a firm, but loving manner, she will probably respond accordingly. I would like to illustrate this point by sharing a conversation I had with a woman who had taken in two girls on separate occasions. Joan told me that it was a terrible experience for her. Both of the girls treated her with blatant disrespect. Her own children saw this and began to treat her in the same way. She felt intimidated and helpless in the situation (her husband, by the way, had not been in favor of their becoming a shepherding family in the first place). It is very likely that if these same girls were in a family where this attitude was not tolerated, they would have modified their behavior.

Finally, a woman who desires to take in a girl should have a good self-image. This is not to say that she never feels inadequate or insecure. She should, though, have a secure understanding of who she is and of her value in that position. When a woman has low self-esteem, she tends to lose objectivity, focusing on her own feelings of inadequacy rather than the needs of the girl. If she is rejected or the arrangement simply does not work, she will most likely take it personally.