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The Shepherding Family Experience
Chapter 7 - The Husband
The importance of the husband’s role in the
shepherding home cannot be overstated. Most fathers already have the attributes needed for
this work. Yet, there are new questions that should be well thought out before beginning.
The following section will give an overview of these ideas.
Involvement
First, examine for a moment your motivation. Why are you interested
in starting a shepherding home? Do you have a legitimate desire to help a girl through a
difficult time? Do you wish to provide a family atmosphere and spiritual guidance?
Especially, do you want to provide her with a father image she may never have had? Or are
you simply going along with your wife’s little project? This attitude will lead to
disappointment and frustration for all parties. This is not to be confused, however, with
initial uncertainty about becoming a shepherding home, nor with a husband’s normal
concern for the welfare of his own family. Genuine indifference on the husband’s part
will cause real problems. You may find yourself at some point between these two extremes.
Consider carefully, with your wife, why you want to become involved. It is crucial that
this decision be reached by both husband and wife together.
After the husband has make the necessary mental commitment, it
should be realized that there are other commitments as well. The most difficult of these
is time. The typical profile of a husband of a shepherding home is a working man with a
wife and children. These elements alone make for a full life. The addition of another
family member necessitates a careful balance of attention toward all aspects of the
family. Another possible commitment is the use of your money. You may find funds that were
previously "extra" just are not available as before or the direction of your
efforts may change. It would be quite difficult to balance the effort involved in climbing
a career ladder with taking unwed mothers into your home. It is an easily verifiable truth
that wherever a man’s treasure is, his heart will be found there also. These changes
are not necessarily negative. They represent some sacrifice and a good deal of sharing.
Your understanding of yourself, your family and life will become richer and more mature.
The rewards of this work far out last those of most of life’s other activities.
What qualities in a man make him best suited for shepherding? If a
simple quality was chosen, it would be patience. Being slow to anger is a must. To be
understanding of a girl’s background is a prerequisite to helping her. Expect and
believe the best is possible in a person, but be realistic enough to know that failures
may come. A man must also be self-confident enough to tolerate occasional rejection and
defeat. You kindest act or most caring gesture may be discarded by a troubled woman. You
may find that your emotions swing according to a girl’s progress. In summary, there
is a need for quiet strength, a tolerant nature, and the patience to watch planted seeds
grow very slowly.
Responsibilities
The position of husband and father comes with
many built-in responsibilities. Most of you have felt the normal burdens of a family: the
need to be the financial provider for the group, the desire to give your children the
important things in life, the concern of the family toward certain goals. None of these
diminish when a young woman is brought into the home. In fact, they take on a new
importance. A greater awareness is needed to successfully perform both the regular and new
responsibilities.
As the head of the home, it is needful, first to have established
your family goals and priorities without reference to an additional member. What is
important for each member individually and for the group as a whole? What are you doing to
achieve these ends? Without these things clearly in mind at the start, it is quite
possible to lose sight of your primary function while helping another.
Secondly, monitor the effects that a new member has on your own
children. From frequent communication with your wife and children, be alert to possible
disruptive effects that the new arrangement is having on your family. On the positive
side, your hope is that the children will view the girl as a new "big sister"
(we have seen this happen often). On the negative side, however, you must judge the
situation for bad effects. When these are evident, it is necessary to act. Constructive
confrontation can be a learning experience for both the girl and your own children. Be
alert and know where your family is headed. Your watchful care can make the shepherding
experience an invaluable learning tool for your children which you will want to repeat.
Another new responsibility is that of becoming a girl’s father
image. She may view you with an eye of distrust from the first day. It is very likely that
she has been betrayed by men a number of times already. If she respects you when she
leaves, you will have earned it. Without a doubt, one of the basic things you will teach
her is what a real father and husband is. This is not a paper and pencil lesson. By every
word you speak and every action you carry out, the lesson is taught. If you say one thing
and do another, the message is clearly received. This is not to say that you should
play-act a role. This type of behavior should already be a well established pattern in
your life.
The last responsibility is diligence in being fair to all in your
household. The cornerstone idea behind making the young woman a functioning part of the
unit is treating her, as much as possible, as one of your own. Your own children will be
the first to notice and complain about special treatment of others. For both the sake of
her understanding and your children’s attitude, maintain an unbiased viewpoint toward
both responsibilities and privileges.
Discipline
One area which falls to the husband in his role as the head of the
home is final discipline. This is not the general day-to-day confrontation usually handled
by the wife because of her more intimate contact with the woman. Instead, this comes in
response to an attitude of the girl that is not easily changed or an action that has come
close to irreconcilable breaking the bond of trust involved. The situation cannot be
tolerated and still maintain family order. At this point, few options are available.
To deal with these instances, it is helpful to understand the nature
of the contract between the family and the girl. She was probably desperate when she
arrived. You probably feel as though yours is the only family on earth that would care for
her. Yet she is making a free-will choice of action if she refuses to modify her behavior.
We have always presented girls with a choice; "If your behavior or attitude changes,
then you may remain". In this manner, leaving is a clear choice instead of a demand.
Very few have carried through the negative choice by leaving, yet it is amazing to see how
quickly a girl with nowhere to go suddenly finds relatives or friends who will take her
in!
The important point in final discipline is that you recognize when
it is needed. You have made all reasonable attempts to reconcile the problem. Perhaps your
pastor or other professionals were consulted. You have confronted the issue and tried to
show why it is so important to the family that it not continue. Your family is beginning
to show the harmful effects of the problem. It is then time for choices to be offered.
Final discipline should still be done in love. It is indeed sad for it to be necessary at
all. Neglecting this responsibility however, could bring disastrous results to what you
value most.
Affection
One remaining crucial caution for the husband
concerns showing physical affection toward an unrelated girl in the home. It is natural to
want to demonstrate that you care for someone by touching or hugging as well as by verbal
communication. However, consider the special circumstances of your relationship. The girl
will generally have come from a background where nearly every display of male attention is
interpreted as a sexual prelude. Even inadvertent body language is included in this.
Perhaps without even conscious effort, she evaluates all male output in this way. A
husband, on the other hand, is probably openly affectionate with his children. He gives
little thought to expressing his love physically to them. These opposite viewpoints can,
and have, led to disaster. A number of cases have come up recently in which a husband has
been wrongly accused of making sexual advances to the young woman under his care.
Occasionally, a court case has developed. The husband suffers damage to his credibility,
reputation and ego. The family suffers embarrassment at the very least. Any progress made
with the girl is lost. Yet, all this is preventable if you plan your actions ahead of time
and discipline yourself to follow the plan.
1. Establish limits on familiarity between the girl and yourself. As
she begins to feel like a real family member, you will notice certain new behaviors. If
your family is accustomed to lounging around in pajamas on Saturday morning, she will
probably be inclined to do the same. If your children enter your bedroom unannounced, she
may see no reason to act otherwise. It is up to you to set the requirements in order to
create a sufficient barrier.
2. Under no circumstances should a husband encourage or permit the
girl to sit in his lap. It does not matter how good his motives are nor whether the whole
family is present. The message received by the girl will be very different than the one
intended by the husband.
3. Try to plan activities so as not to place yourself and the girl
at home alone. This cannot always be avoided, but use discretion. Do not put the girl or
yourself in any situation that might even appear questionable.
4. Avoid all use of sexual innuendo in your speech. In today’s
world, many words and phrases we use carry a secondary meaning concerning sex. Do not give
an opportunity for misinterpretation of your speech.
5. You have every right to require respectful dress from anyone
living with you. Do not allow low cut blouses or skin-tight pants. The girl’s dress
habits fall under your legitimate responsibility.
6. Save hugging in reserve for special times. A hug can transmit how
much you care about a person. In certain emotional times, it would be difficult to
communicate your feelings any other way.
Do these guidelines seem too strict? Do not ever think to yourself
"it can’t happen here". Instead, for the benefit of the girl and your
family, expect the worst. Scrupulously apply a system of barriers against the possibility.
Overcompensate for the lack of physical affection by verbal praise. Reward good traits
with favorable comments. When you respect traits in a girl, tell her. When she improves in
any way, let her know. Do all you can to show your love, your care and your respect
without the use of physical means.
CONTENTS
1. Introduction
2. The Family
3. Rules and Regulations
4. Physical Accommodations
5. The Marriage
6. The Wife
7. The Husband
8. The Children
9. Legal Considerations
10. Health Considerations
11. Caring for the Relinquishing Mother
12. After the Baby is Born
13. Summary
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