It has been said that no success in life can
compensate for the failure with one’s own children. This should be kept in mind by
anyone involved in ministering to others. It is possible to become so involved in
another’s problems that we fail to see that our own children are in need. In a
shepherding family situation, the effects on the children depend on many variables,
including the ages of the children and the attitude of the girl towards them. For this
reason, we can only give general insights and suggestions that might prevent or minimize
problems.
The concerns will vary for children of different ages. If you have a
teenage daughter in the home, the girl and your daughter will probably view each other as
peers. If the girl has come from a promiscuous or violent background, she will most likely
share her past experiences with your daughter. Because the girl does not have the same
value system as you, she may glorify the very experiences that you have taught your
children to avoid. It is for this reason that we would discourage couples with a teenage
daughter who is in rebellion from becoming a shepherding family. If your teenage daughter
has sound morals and you decide to serve as a shepherding family, you should discuss with
her how to deal with this situation.
If you have a younger teenage son (thirteen to fourteen), you might
still consider taking in girls who are over twenty-one. If you have a son fifteen to
nineteen years of age in the home, we do not recommend serving as a shepherding family.
There are many reasons for this.
1. It is not fair to your son to place him in a close living
situation with a teenage girl or young woman.
2. In some cases, the girls you take in will have few moral values
and a very unhealthy attitude toward sex. Even if your son has the highest of morals, it
would not be fair for him, in his own home, to have to contend with the type of temptation
that could be placed before him.
3. Regardless of the girl’s morals, it is not fair to her to be
in a close living situation with a young man, especially during this very awkward time in
her life.
When you have younger children in the family, the considerations are
different but equally important. Each family has its own beliefs about discipline and
rules for younger children. So not assume when a girl comes into your family that she
understands proper discipline (see section "Discipline of the Children"). If you
see an attitude or action on her part that is hurting one of your children, take steps to
resolve it immediately. Likewise, if your child harasses or is rude to the girl, the child
needs to be corrected. Not only does this teach your child proper respect for others, it
assures the girl that you do not practice a double standard.
As so many girls come through our home we have realized the
importance of maintaining a feeling of unity among our immediate family. To reinforce this
feeling, we have a family night once a week. During this time, we do activities that allow
us to focus all our attention on our children (television is not suitable). While the
girls are not excluded, they are not very enthusiastic about a game of
"Candyland" or playing paper dolls. Even when the girls do join in, the focus is
on our own children.
An important consideration for parents of pre-teenage daughters is
to assess the image your daughter is forming toward premarital sex and pregnancy out of
wedlock. In our effort to make the pregnant girl feel loved and accepted, we may be
sending the message that we are rewarding her for her actions. Parents should discuss this
with their daughters (and sons) and clearly define the difference between compassion and
condoning wrong actions.
There are definitely positive effects that taking a girl in can have
on your children. Your children will have the opportunity to witness acceptance and
compassion in action. They will have a much clearer understanding of Christ’s
teachings about giving of ourselves to help others and to practice the Christian
principles which they have been taught. Our children have formed loving relationships with
many of our girls. There have been many mornings that our two older children have
surprised the girls with breakfast in bed or have left them notes telling them they were
loved. Our oldest daughter has spent many nights sleeping next to a new young mother in
order to help care for her and the baby. The girls have responded to this attitude with
appreciation and attention toward the children. One of our most cherished memories of this
time in our life will be the affection we witnessed between the girls and our children.
Truly, in this type of ministry, a child can learn the joy of giving
and the real meaning of Christian love. While there are some negative effects on the
children, we feel that these are far outweighed by the positive ones.
